.[Finally, the real ME].

Growing up I was always the little girl that everyone wanted me to be. Following the rules, never doing anything that may cause anyone to be disappointed in me. Catching feelings about people hurting me but never saying anything for fear of hurting them. See I was that chick that was all about pleasing everyone else, even if it meant that Dani would suffer in silence. It allowed me to be hurt and have my thoughts and feelings walked all over.

Within that silence , I was keeping a secret from everyone around me. Something that I thought I could bury away in the depths of my mind and soul. I knew that if I explored this secret I could alienate everyone that I loved, I could be judged. If you know me, you know that being judged [is] was something I could not stand . I'm constantly doing the right things so having someone take one part of me to form an opinion about me was torture.

So I kept my secret, went through a horrible relationship which spawned my greatest gift in life. But even with that gift I was still miserable. I was just existing and not living. I decided maybe it was just that person who was making my life so miserable because my secret was so just wrong that it couldn't possibly be who this beautiful girl is. I don't fit the profile of a person who has this secret. But what does someone with the secret really look like, does she have a look or is that she looks like everyone else.

I tried my hand at a new relationship which failed, epically. So there I was again. Thinking about what I had buried deep inside. Like why can't shake this, why won't it just disappear. Finally I decided to explore it. Even through exploration all I could think is what will my family say. So because I was that daughter/sister/grandchild who didn't want to disappoint, I left it alone once again.

I tried to make it work through hiding again but then my path changed. Someone was waiting for me to meet them. When I first caught a glimpse I was nervous, scared but somehow relieved. I met this person on my path and felt all the pressure I had been carrying around for so long lift off me. I was happy, like genuine happiness. I couldn't believe it. Eventually my simplistic happiness turned to genuine true love. It was the most surreal thing I have ever experienced in life.

Of course during this time I had bumps in the road. I had to tell the ones I loved about my secret. I was so worried about the backlash and hatred. But I had to do this for ME. I had to be myself and finally love all of me without keeping a secret locked away.

I told the world my secret and was not prepared for all the fakeness that I received, I had never in my life been told 'I love you regardless' so many times. I wondered what they were loving me in spite of. Did I ask for their love? Did they feel like this was the obligatory thing you say to a person who has come out?

And it was from some of the most random people in my life, mainly associates and co-workers. People who truly have no bearing on what I do in my personal life. This time truly opened my eyes to the way our world operates. It was as if people pretend to tolerate you to get all the juicy details and then go back to living in their own little bubbles, where they could care less about how I truly feel.

I feel like everyday I open up a little more. I get a little more comfortable with Danielle. I let her live a little more. I know that as I continue my journey in life I will face more challenges. As I do things that every little princess wants to do, I will challenge the boundaries of my family relationships and friendships but I have faith that every thing will be fine, and I will die knowing that I was finally able to be me.

.[Father's Day].

Father's Day should be a day to celebrate Father's across the world for all that they do for their children. A day to pamper them and love on them a little more than usual.

I wish that I could say that the above happens in my world but it simply does not. Today is actually I day I dread. Why on earth would I dread this day well it's simple, I am a single mom living in a world with many other single moms and disappearing dads. I share a child with someone who just doesn't seem to care, that this should be a day to cherish the little brilliant guy that we brought into the world.

On the flip side I don't understand why some of these single moms feel the need to be praised on Father's Day. Like really, you are a mom, yes you may be raising your child alone but what entitles you to spew hatred for the man you laid down with and then proclaim how super and strong you are simply because you are doing what you are supposed to do.

There are a handful of men I know who handle their business. I don't mean they pay child support and visit on odd holidays. I am speaking about men who teach their kids how to ride bikes and throw a ball, ya know just spend time. I know men who aren't biological fathers who do the same no questions asked.

Besides my issues with my son's father, I have issues with my dad. Growing up I can't say I was never without a positive male role model but it never filled the void that my dad left gaping open in my heart when he decided to allow something to take over his life. All my life I had been told that it wasn't his fault, he wants to be a good dad but he just can't right now. I always wondered why he wouldn't just choose to be in my life. Why I wasn’t important enough for him to do the right thing. This truly lead to issues with relationships for me, not including the fact that I was living a life I didn't want to for the sake of others, but that's a totally different blog post.

At what point are we going to break the cycle. When are we going to say it is not okay for our sons, brothers, cousins and nephews to have children and not be responsible. But in the very same breath we need to be teaching our daughters, nieces and other girls in our lives to value themselves so much more than they do now. I know that not every situation is the same but I would be lying if I said I don't know how my son's father would turn out the way he did, truth is a lot of us know. We just wish, pray and hope that it will be different for us.

As sad as it is to type this, I have just about given up hope that many of the fathers I know will every do right by their children. I hate that my son will have to grow up wanting and longing for his dad to be a good dad only to be disappointed. I know that I have to work 10 times as hard to help him not make the same mistake that all of the generations before him have made but I will bust my ass to do it.

I do salute the dad's who are actually doing it and I love them for it. So to all the real men, doing things that real fathers should do without being threatened, begged,or guilted...

Happy Father's Day!

.:. Reflection .:.

As I sit here looking at the letter from my college congratulating me on graduating, I can not help but reflect on where I was, where I am and where I want to be.[Ironically 'Successful” is blasting into my eardrums as I type]

Where I was.

I was a young mother, going through a horrible break-up and depression. I was alone with only my baby boy to comfort me. I was without hope that I would ever be anything in the world that mattered. I just couldn't shake the feeling of being a failure. I just kept rising and falling with no real purpose until I decided I needed to do something for the sake of my one and only son. It was then I decided to enroll in school. I didn't have a clue what I truly wanted to do forever but I knew that I had to get on top of it before I started preaching to my Doot about growing up and making something of himself. Signing up was easy, finding a babysitter and actually getting to school on time was the biggest challenge but I did it. I made it happen and then I began to see the small victories that I knew would amount to me being victorious in the end.


Where I am.

After 2 years of full time working, part & full time school, I am here. Staring my graduation date down like it was the last day of my existence. My baby boy is about to start PreK and he is turning into such a handsome and intelligent little man. Work is going as well as to be expected. I am truly beyond blessed to have the co-workers that I have. They have no idea how much they keep me going, even when I am crying and complaining about everything. While I do have some pretty good things going for me my life isn't truly as peachy keen as I portray. I am still have some serious struggles but I know the source of them and I need to rid myself of that source as much as possible. I can almost guarantee that when the next school year starts my environment will be different. I have a new set of people in my life and I know that there are going to truly help me propel to heights I never dreamed of reaching.


Where I want to be.

When I started school my final goal was completely different than what it is now. But I am a firm believer that each person on this planet has a predestined path that they can and most likely will travel. My path is leading me to be a helper. I have always been a helping person so I feel that this fits me to a T. I know that I won't be stopping at one degree either. My new motto is Master's Or Bust!. I have to get the highest level degree possible because there are things that I want my little man to have and I see that if I want him to have it, I am going to have to provide it for him. I am learning that in my future I don't want to have to depend on anyone but me and the Man above, who makes all things possible for me and in my life. I am strong, determined and refusing to give up, so even if I am not still blogging in the next 5 years know that I will be where I want to be, reflecting on what I wrote years ago.

.:. Back to Blogging .:.

Wow...It's almost been an entire year since I've written or recorded a blog entry. In a years time many things have changed and people have come and gone. I've actually forgotten how theraputic blogging was for me. So I've decided to try my hand at weekly entries again.

So look out, cause Peachy's back.

..::Random VLOG #1::..

Here is a random Vlog I did last night....Check me out...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njX89R-BNc4

:: Summer VLOG series::

So I have some time on my hands and I decided that instead of writing my blogs for the summer, I am going to video them...So let me know if you guys wanna hear about anything in particular. I have a list of some things I want to discuss already. I really am excited about it and I hope you guys enjoy it!!! 

Peachy's Summer VLOG series #1:: Don't talk about it, Be About it::

Coming on May 24th...

::I'll be back::

I am currently doing year end stuff at school(work) so I am a little busy but I will be back at the end of the week with LOTS of posts...there is a lot going on and I need to share...Miss you guys much...

::Mistakes, Regrets and Life Lessons…::

For the most part in my life I have been a pretty cautious in the choices I have made. I won’t say that some of things I have decided to do were the best but I don’t think I have done anything too wild.

 

Since I turned 25 I told myself that I would start making more choices that would ultimately benefit me and the people closest to me. I have always had a helping spirit and that has more often then not gotten my feelings, heart, pride and faith in people trampled all over.

 

The weeks leading up to my vacation and the week I have been on vacation put some interesting things in my path. Some things I opted to jump over but some things I decided to take head on.

 

Boy oh boy did I choose the wrong things to take on. While the pros seemed to out weigh the cons, the tables quickly turned on me. As I type I feel like a piece of me is dying inside. If you know me, you know I am highly emotional and right now I am riding a terrifying emotional rollercoaster.

 

I seem to always choose the wrong things to take head on. Whenever I feel as if I am making a great choice it seems to backfire dead in my face and I am left standing alone, wishing I could turn back the hands of time and turn down what I thought was a good choice.

 

As I grow older I am learning more and more. I am surrounded by some wonderful ladies (waving to all my BHMers who loves me) and they are helping me become better.

 

I really believe that these mistakes will help me in the future but it’s so hard to see the sunshine through the rain…

 

 

::Busy,Busy,Busy::

Hey to my followers and lurkers,

I know it's been a minute but I have been one busy woman. I promise I will be back soon...

Peachy...

::Unexpected::

Tonight I got some very unexpected news from a good friend. Her daughter's father passed away suddenly today. Sometimes we get so caught up in our overly busy everyday lives, that we forget to take time out and cherish the things that mean the most to us.

RIP Jamie...Gone but Never forgotten...

:: Friends, How Many Of Us Have Them::

Growing up it seemed that I had a never ending circle of friends…I moved back and forth between my mom and gramz but I was always able to befriend people…Once I got into high school I developed what I thought was long lasting friendships with people who I treated as my own family.

As I grew older I realized all these so called last friendships/family like bonds I had made were all for the sake of hanging with the funny, cute semi-popular girl that was high school Peachy…I went to high school in a town where it is impossible, to not see one of those high school BFF’s…For me moving back here meant being back with my girls and having those Sex In The City nights out and beach vacations with not a care in the world, I was so wrong about that…

There were 2 people I expected to reconnect with almost instantly and it just didn’t happen. I mean had our lives become filled with so many mundane grown up tasks that we couldn’t be there for each other anymore?...or was it just the friendship had faded into the NeverNeverLand that high school becomes 5 or so years after graduation.

Of the 2 I can say for sure one of my former BFF’s really does lead an extremely busy life and what little free time she has she dedicates to her son and future hubby. I can respect that though. When she does have time we take the boys out to lunch and so a little shopping. It’s refreshing, it’s almost like for a moment in time we are back in high school and doing the things we loved to do at 17. I love you Niqueboo…

Of these friendships the one that is fading away at this very moment is hurting me the most. For years she and I endured some of the most tumultuous times in our lives. It was like we were living the same life, able to see all the things wrong with each other but not ourselves. As we mature we should see things for what they really are, not what we want them to be. I see that now in Peachy’s life but I don’t think she sees it in hers. We have chatted about things being the way they once where but in all honesty I doubt they ever will be. This doesn’t mean I will stop loving her. I just believe that our “Sisterly Season” has passed and it is time to just slowly release each other…I love you always Tangelo…I hope that if you read this you and I will have talked but if not just know this isn’t about anything specific , just about us moving on with our own lives….


Now don’t read this and get all bummed because Peachy does have a great BFF, scratch that I have an AWESOME big sister. I also have my little sister and I know we will become so much closer when I make the Big Plunge next year…

My big sister is one of those people that God strategically places in your life…You know the chick you meet and fell like ya’ll will never get along….When I met her, I also met Stupid Face, our old boss…lol…he told me to never talk to her because she had a bad attitude and was from New Orleans…LMAO…I was like okay, I’ll keep my distance then…

Thank goodness I didn’t listen; if I had I would have never gotten to know her as the kind, loving, straight forward person that she is. She is a strong, intelligent black woman, a great mother and truly the best friend I could ever ask for.

My little sis…what can I say she is my baby sis, my homie who is down for whatever when it comes to her sis, she is BEAUTIFULLY intelligent even though she has NO common sense…lol…The way she juggles being a great Mommy and an awesome college student is impressive and inspiring to me, the older sister. I love her so much and I truly look forward to late nites studying together, clubbing, days at the beach with our boys and simply just hanging out and reminiscing…


So all in all that fantasy of having my very own Miranda, Charlotte & Samantha (yes, my fashionista narcissistic self is Carrie…lol…) is merely that, a fantasy…


I have all I need in two very special people…I love you always Nika & Pooh Baby…I hope that whoever reads this will be able to experience all that I have with friendships, good and bad because it has helped shape the Peachy I am today…

::My Purpose::

Well last week I began my last year of college before I receive my associate’s degree in Social Work. While my first week was overwhelming in more ways than one, I am truly happy. For the past few years people have been telling me about my passion for children and helping others, and I have just brushed them off for the most part, you know…Like okay yeah thanks for that observation.

But I think that I have gotten confirmation that Social Work is truly my life’s purpose. Both of my classes are taught by the same professor, so last Tuesday I shared my concerns with her. She listened attentively and when I was finished talking, she looked into my eyes with the most sincere look in her eyes and told me that I had nothing to worry about because she could tell that this was in my heart. That I would be fine because I have so much passion for this type of work…

I was absolutely floored, I mean I was speechless and if you know me personally you would know that is damn near impossible. I was filled with so much emotion I had no idea what to say, think, feel…But it just reaffirmed for me that this is my purpose while here on earth.


I hope that in my time as a giver and helper, I can change just ONE persons life. Make them realize how valuable their life is, the life of their children, their family, just everything about them…

I am so happy to be on this journey. My life has had its pitfalls and I know I will have many more before I leave this earth but knowing that what I choose to do can help someone other than my family makes me truly happy inside…


I am also toying with the idea of getting a helper/giver tat too…So look out for future blogs about that…

Hypocrites::RANT::

Are #2 on my list of “Types of People” I can’t stand.

So I am on a hair forum where there are a TON of hypocrites.

The scenario is basically a question was asked about a members avatar photo. There were no names given just the question. So for the most part people just said what they would do but within a few pages the Hypocrites start pouring in [I won’t even comment on the troll]… I mean they were just talking big shit… Now you may be wondering “How does that make them hypocrites?”…My answer is simple, whenever someone posts a thread including a celeb picture or a random club picture [i.e.:: Alltheparties.com, ATLpics ;;etc] they go hard... Calling the people everything but a child of God…


It’s so annoying…I will admit I would participate in those threads, but then there was an incident where someone’s pics were taken off of one site and posted on another. I was outraged but a good friend{Side Eye Sr.} made me realize that I was just as guilty because I made comments about celebs…So I stopped because I would never want anyone to do that too me…

I mean these chicks believe that celebs “ask for this” by becoming celebs….Really? So if we used this logic in life then I guess victims in certain crimes “ask for it” too…You know like if I have the money to buy a nice car then it’s my fault that’s its stolen since I “showed it off”….Whatever…give me a fuckin’ break…


I am just so sick of people like this…There is a lady at my job like this too….Lawd she is the worst! I mean she just goes hard about other people and so many things but when the mirror is facing her and her people then its “oh this isn’t that same because it’s my family”…GTFOOHWTBS!!!!


UGH !!!....

[end/rant]

Celibacy:: The Slow Death of my Sexual Libido::

(source::http://blog.sweetestmemories.com/default.asp?Archive=200606)

Due to a very unfortunate situation I decided that I wanted to take the long, frustrating road that is celibacy. I figured that it would be a great way to get over my ex and get to know myself…Boy was I wrong…this has been the longest , most sexually frustrating year of my life…lol…

I would have never guessed that it would have been this hard. I mean logically I was like “hey Peachy, before 17 you were “celibate” so to speak , so doing it now at a mature 26 should be fine…

I wish this would have been fine…I can go a few weeks at a time and not have any feelings of lust and then BAM…the angel & devil of celibacy pop up…The devil taunting me to just call my ex or one of the random guys that wants to be with me…Meanwhile the angel is trying to convince me to wait until I find “Mr. Right”…wherever the hell he is…


It’s such a hard thing to deal with. While I feel that my next ‘homie;lover;friend’ should really prove his worthiness of the goodies it’s becoming more evident to me that I need to grade these dudes on a curve …Not that I should lower my standards but maybe I should bend a little…

I know one thing for sure when I finally do unleash on someone MY GAWD they better be ready because I will probably explode and blow bits of Peachy EVERYWHERE…LOL...

..::Jumpin' The Broom::..

Living in the south, I see teenage girls who are groomed from a very young age to get married after college. It’s almost like a Wedding Timeline for Southern Belles.

================================================

The steps are very easy…

Go to a college
Meet your fiancé’
Get a degree ( in anything)
Marry your college sweet heart
Work in your chosen career field for 2-4 years
Have a baby
Become a stay at home mom
================================================
I have seen this countless times and it makes me insane some days. It makes me feel inadequate for not doing as so many of my friends have done. I mean why can’t I be married, why did I have to do step # 6 before all of the rest. Why didn’t I listen to my mother about my son’s father?...

I thought that he would be “The One” …HA!...he showed his signs long ago but being 17 I didn’t take heed. Hell at 23 I didn’t want to believe the signs. I thought having a baby and finally getting our own would “change” him. So naïve…

Although I would love to be married I am happy I didn’t settle like other people I know. I couldn’t imagine being in an unhappy marriage. I don’t know how people do it.

There are times when I get sad about being single but then I remember that I want to be happy in whatever relationship I choose to be in and chill the hell out. It gets hard but I know one day My Prince will come…lol…Yeah I watch too many Disney movies but some dude , somewhere is waiting for Peachy and when I find him, I won’t let go, unless he’s nuttier than squirrel sh*t then I am cutting him loose with the quickness…lol…

Catching Up...

Where do I begin, so much has changed since I decided to start this blog. My priorities and aspects on life have changed drastically. All the things I thought that I wanted and/or needed seem like silly dreams.

When I was 17 year old I often pictured the 26 year old Peachy as a wife/mother/career woman who would have had it all, ha, what a fantasy. In reality 26 year old Peachy is 1 of those things, a mother. Motherhood is something I wouldn’t change for the world. Partly because of the amazing genius I call my son. My Dooters is my entire world. He is the greatest 2 year old I know and I know quite a few of these little adult people.::hehehe::


I know that one day I will make someone a great wife and my fantasy will be my reality until then I continue to focus in finishing my college degree(s). I am currently pursuing my associates in Social Work. It is amazingly scary how close to completion I am. I almost don’t want to finish because I feel like it will force me to stop walking by the mirror and seeing 17 year old carefree Peachy but I know in order to better my son’s life I have to complete at the very least my Master’s in Social Work.

I can say that for the 1st time in a long time I am about 80% happy with my life and the other 20% can be easily changed and in the next 540 days it will be…

It's Been A Minutue...

So I started this when I was very busy and didn't keep up...Anywho I am back now and committing myself to blogging at least once a week...So stay tuned...

Love Ya's,

Peachy

My 1st Offical Blog..

Yay...I started a blog....I have posted a couple on Myspace , which I will share here, but this is new...Expect to see new entries at least once a week...I am very random and tend to rant or vent in my writings sometimes , so don't be alarmed if I switch up my style a bit..


See ya soon,

Peachy...