.[Finally, the real ME].

Growing up I was always the little girl that everyone wanted me to be. Following the rules, never doing anything that may cause anyone to be disappointed in me. Catching feelings about people hurting me but never saying anything for fear of hurting them. See I was that chick that was all about pleasing everyone else, even if it meant that Dani would suffer in silence. It allowed me to be hurt and have my thoughts and feelings walked all over.

Within that silence , I was keeping a secret from everyone around me. Something that I thought I could bury away in the depths of my mind and soul. I knew that if I explored this secret I could alienate everyone that I loved, I could be judged. If you know me, you know that being judged [is] was something I could not stand . I'm constantly doing the right things so having someone take one part of me to form an opinion about me was torture.

So I kept my secret, went through a horrible relationship which spawned my greatest gift in life. But even with that gift I was still miserable. I was just existing and not living. I decided maybe it was just that person who was making my life so miserable because my secret was so just wrong that it couldn't possibly be who this beautiful girl is. I don't fit the profile of a person who has this secret. But what does someone with the secret really look like, does she have a look or is that she looks like everyone else.

I tried my hand at a new relationship which failed, epically. So there I was again. Thinking about what I had buried deep inside. Like why can't shake this, why won't it just disappear. Finally I decided to explore it. Even through exploration all I could think is what will my family say. So because I was that daughter/sister/grandchild who didn't want to disappoint, I left it alone once again.

I tried to make it work through hiding again but then my path changed. Someone was waiting for me to meet them. When I first caught a glimpse I was nervous, scared but somehow relieved. I met this person on my path and felt all the pressure I had been carrying around for so long lift off me. I was happy, like genuine happiness. I couldn't believe it. Eventually my simplistic happiness turned to genuine true love. It was the most surreal thing I have ever experienced in life.

Of course during this time I had bumps in the road. I had to tell the ones I loved about my secret. I was so worried about the backlash and hatred. But I had to do this for ME. I had to be myself and finally love all of me without keeping a secret locked away.

I told the world my secret and was not prepared for all the fakeness that I received, I had never in my life been told 'I love you regardless' so many times. I wondered what they were loving me in spite of. Did I ask for their love? Did they feel like this was the obligatory thing you say to a person who has come out?

And it was from some of the most random people in my life, mainly associates and co-workers. People who truly have no bearing on what I do in my personal life. This time truly opened my eyes to the way our world operates. It was as if people pretend to tolerate you to get all the juicy details and then go back to living in their own little bubbles, where they could care less about how I truly feel.

I feel like everyday I open up a little more. I get a little more comfortable with Danielle. I let her live a little more. I know that as I continue my journey in life I will face more challenges. As I do things that every little princess wants to do, I will challenge the boundaries of my family relationships and friendships but I have faith that every thing will be fine, and I will die knowing that I was finally able to be me.

.[Father's Day].

Father's Day should be a day to celebrate Father's across the world for all that they do for their children. A day to pamper them and love on them a little more than usual.

I wish that I could say that the above happens in my world but it simply does not. Today is actually I day I dread. Why on earth would I dread this day well it's simple, I am a single mom living in a world with many other single moms and disappearing dads. I share a child with someone who just doesn't seem to care, that this should be a day to cherish the little brilliant guy that we brought into the world.

On the flip side I don't understand why some of these single moms feel the need to be praised on Father's Day. Like really, you are a mom, yes you may be raising your child alone but what entitles you to spew hatred for the man you laid down with and then proclaim how super and strong you are simply because you are doing what you are supposed to do.

There are a handful of men I know who handle their business. I don't mean they pay child support and visit on odd holidays. I am speaking about men who teach their kids how to ride bikes and throw a ball, ya know just spend time. I know men who aren't biological fathers who do the same no questions asked.

Besides my issues with my son's father, I have issues with my dad. Growing up I can't say I was never without a positive male role model but it never filled the void that my dad left gaping open in my heart when he decided to allow something to take over his life. All my life I had been told that it wasn't his fault, he wants to be a good dad but he just can't right now. I always wondered why he wouldn't just choose to be in my life. Why I wasn’t important enough for him to do the right thing. This truly lead to issues with relationships for me, not including the fact that I was living a life I didn't want to for the sake of others, but that's a totally different blog post.

At what point are we going to break the cycle. When are we going to say it is not okay for our sons, brothers, cousins and nephews to have children and not be responsible. But in the very same breath we need to be teaching our daughters, nieces and other girls in our lives to value themselves so much more than they do now. I know that not every situation is the same but I would be lying if I said I don't know how my son's father would turn out the way he did, truth is a lot of us know. We just wish, pray and hope that it will be different for us.

As sad as it is to type this, I have just about given up hope that many of the fathers I know will every do right by their children. I hate that my son will have to grow up wanting and longing for his dad to be a good dad only to be disappointed. I know that I have to work 10 times as hard to help him not make the same mistake that all of the generations before him have made but I will bust my ass to do it.

I do salute the dad's who are actually doing it and I love them for it. So to all the real men, doing things that real fathers should do without being threatened, begged,or guilted...

Happy Father's Day!